Newsletter2

Money is the number one reason couples blame for their breakups. One theory, however, is that money is not necessarily the true culprit. Rather, it’s your communication about money — both with yourself, and your partner — that is to blame. If you fear that money disagreements may negatively affect your relationship, try these strategies to develop financial and marital harmony.

Money is easy to quantify, so it’s easier to fight about. “How dare you spend $500 on computer equipment when I’m saving for a nursery!” Many times, however, the underlying issue is not so much about a bad spending choice, but is really about unrealistic expectations, or undisclosed goals.

The truth is you can’t stop fighting about money until you start talking about money. The key to good communication is to first get real with yourself, and then be straight with your partner. From this space, you can develop a plan together to make both your joint and individual goals possible. When you work together towards clear goals, it’s less likely that conflict and resentments will creep in. While it may mean more accountability for your actions, you will be much more successful in the long run, both financially and emotionally.

I. Develop Emotional and Behavioral Integrity
Integrity means being honest with yourself and true to your word. Are your behaviors and reactions in line with your commitments, or are you simply trying to solve emotional problems with money? If you hide your spending habits from your spouse, justify purchasing something outside of your budget, or respond to your partner’s spending with an attitude of entitlement, you are likely out of integrity. The key is recognizing it and understanding that everybody is always in and out of integrity. When you are out, simply clean it up, make a new promise, and keep it next time.

2. Give Up Being Right.
This is a tough one, especially when you know you’re right. The problem is that it’s easy to get stuck in the power

struggle of who’s right and wrong, and avoid what’s really in issue. When you give up being right, you have access to what you really want, such as marital harmony, better communication, or more say in your finances. Money means power for a lot of people, and this can lead to some fierce battles. When you take the power struggle off the table by letting go the need to be right, the real empowerment can begin.

3. Negotiate Priorities
You and your partner must discuss and agree on common financial concerns, goals, priorities and spending limits. This should start before you ever marry. If you act with a joint vision and live according to the parameters you set together, you can make real progress towards your goals as a team. A prenuptial agreement can be a good facilitator for these discussions, and is a practical way to hope for the best, and yet plan for the worst.

4. Be Practical, Be Flexible
Identify and support each other’s strengths. If one of you is more detail oriented, let them handle the joint bookkeeping. But, make sure the other has access, understanding, and equal share in the decision-making –- no matter who makes more income. This way, you develop financial intimacy, retain a sense of partnership, and share financial responsibility for your money. It’s also a good idea to keep separate financial identities as well, especially if one of you has a problematic credit history.

5. Recognize Conflict as Opportunity
With these strategies in mind, you can begin to turn conflicts over money into opportunities to improve your communication with each other. You will be surprised how powerful it can be to talk straight, ask for what you want, and release the resentments that weigh down your communications. When you are clear and honest, you can co-create a foundation based on your joint values, and thus, improve your chances of a happy long-lasting relationship.